Thank you, and a favor to ask

 First of all; Thank you so much for all the kind, insightful
and supportive comments on my last post. It took alot for me
to write it and I'm so grateful you guys didn't leave me hanging.
And an extra thank you to those of you who shared about your own
similar and personal struggles - your courage helps me on my way!

Today I had a stressful and important day, for once. I met with my doctor
to renew and possibly change my prescriptions (fingers crossed!),
and I had a joint meeting with social services and the employment
office to go over my needs and limitations in finding a new job.

I think it all went well. Everyone I met with showed understanding
and encouragement. I am supposed to write a list of possible jobs
and work places for when we meet again in January,
and I was told to enlist the help of friends if possible.

So I need to ask you all a favor; What line of work
can you see me doing? What do you feel I am good at?
What are your impressions of my professional strengths?
Any tips would be greatly appreciated!



A Year in the F*cked up Life

Exactly one year ago I posted this picture of myself, one of the very few selfies I have ever shared on this blog. It wasn't a very good time in my life but I did feel pretty, I was at a desired weight and I felt sexy for a brief moment.

I can't remember feeling anything like that since then. In this last year, with dropping my studies, getting on benefits and breaking up with my partner, my eating disorder has spiraled out of control and I have gained close to 15 pounds. There are tons of dresses hanging in my closet that I don't even bother trying on anymore. I had hoped that becoming single again would straighten things out for me a bit, but so far not much has changed. I still can't even look at myself in a mirror.

I know that I'm far from alone in this, many blog friends express frustration about their weight from time to time. Just the other night I had a bit of a heated discussion with one of them on the subject of weight loss and fitness. Even though we can all recognize the struggle, we come at it from different angles and with different experiences - but I also kept it to myself how bad my situation actually is.

I know it's not a popular opinion to express about oneself but - I hate myself and my body. I am almost 40 years old and I am at constant war with my own body. I feel fat and worthless every day, and I use food and drink as a drug to stop from feeling. There, I said it. The cat is out of the bag.



Christmas movie calendar (and a rant)

Not in any particular order (except 1 and 2, which are my two favorites).

1. The Grinch
2. Elf
3. 12 Gifts of Christmas
4. Noel
5. A Christmas Carol
6. Rare Exports (Finnish)
7. Home Alone
8. The Family Stone
9. A Bride for Christmas
10. Arthur Christmas
11. The Polar Express
12. The Holiday
13. While You were Sleeping
14. Bridget Jones's diary
15. Bad Santa
16. Just Friends
17. Krampus
18. A Christmas Tale (French)
19. Fanny och Alexander (Swedish)
20. Tomten är Far till alla Barnen (Swedish)
21. Frozen
22. Love the Coopers
23. En underbar jävla Jul (Swedish)
24. Four Christmases
25. Joyeux Noel (European coll.)

If someone says You forgot "Love actually", I offer you this:

Alan Rickman (57) is married to Emma Thompson (44) (Yes, really!)
but cheats on her with 26-year-old - which of course is all on the
younger woman's initiative. Give me a fucking break.

Hugh Grant (you know, the guy who decided that not only is it ok
to cheat on your wife, but also to pay women to be able to abuse their bodies.)
is 43 and gets involved with a 27-year-old who still lives at home.
To somehow "even the score", every scene the girl is in also is a fat joke.

Colin Firth (43) leaves his girlfriend (28) for a foreign 27-year-old
that he can't even communicate with - but of course she falls
madly in love with his clueless, immature and self-involved self.

Keira Knightley (18 - I'm not kidding - EIGHTEEN) is already marrying
a 26-year-old, but his best friend who is 30 years old is in love with her
and therefore treats her like shit up until he declares his love.
Not so wonderfully romantic now is it..?

Martin Freeman is 7 years older than his much prettier (porn actress)
crush, but in this movie they seem to be the same age, right?

The only woman who is getting it on with a younger man is
Laura Linney (39) and her boyfriend (28), but a male writer/director
would never let that work out and therefore has her feel inferior and leave.

Age is not an issue in the kid couple, but I will point out the fact the the girl
is beautiful and talented, whereas the boy only has to be silly and persistent.

Have I ruined Love Actually for you now? I hope so actually.
We cannot let misogynistic movie makers pull one (or 7) over on us
in the name of "love" or Christmas. Be ever vigilant against sexism!



First Jul/Christmas post


 I was early decorating this year, but I needed some prettiness around me.
I was wondering what my neighbors might think about it,
but yesterday when I came home from celebrating my brother's 45th birthday
I saw that lights, julbockar and snowmen had suddenly invaded their gardens.
I guess I'm not the only one craving some jolliness right now.

I made my ivy plants festive by some super cheap and simple means -
I just straightened some old clothes hangers and wrapped the ivy around them,
and added some old ornaments and string beads. I have a thing for the tree shape.
It's my favorite jul thing and every year I buy another tree decor piece.
(Painting that ugly window sill is next on my to-do list)

Every self-respecting Swede has adventsljusstakar in the windows for Jul.
When I unpacked mine this year I noticed that some had begun to crumble,
and I realized they must be close to 30 years old by now. I decided to
spray paint some of them black for their last season on duty,
and for next year I am thinking of getting something like this:

With a little kitten in the house, this year I bit the bullet and got myself
a cheap plastic tree. I strapped it down, to the table and wall, and I am only
using plastic ornaments. I'm not really a fan - I miss the look and smell
of a real tree and I have a thing for glass baubles - but needs must.
Though I did see some really nice looking fake trees at the store this year.
They were very expensive, but then again, so are real trees in this area.

This week I intend to catch up with all the bloggers on my reading list.
I've missed you guys and I will read y'all real soon!


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