I know it's early...

Winter arrived last night. After weeks of rain, the temperature
suddenly dropped 15 degrees and everything froze over.
My man couldn't get into his car this morning because of the ice
and had to ask the neighbors for a ride to work,
and neither one of us has winter tires on our cars.
The kitties have only been outside for a few minutes today
and are now balled up by the heater and in my knitwear, respectively.

I know it's early, but the change in weather got me in the Yule mood
so I pulled out the electrical candlesticks and stars for the windows.
Traditionally they would all come up on Sunday anyway.
I have also been working on another tree, made with bead string
and rhinestones salvaged from one of my mom's old blouses.

Every year I use less Santa reds and more trees in my décor.
My plan is to (sometime in the future) have a long side table
completely covered in trees - a proper winter wonderland.

I saw this fabulous little purple tree at a store called Rusta
and I knew I had to have it. The store also has some cheap
Yule hand soaps, all kind of weird either in scent or in color...
I know all of it is really kitschy but I couldn't help myself :)


Have you started decorating yet?



November update

I usually have the worst case of Halloween withdrawal
and I throw myself into the Yule season as soon as I can
- in part to make up for the withdrawal, in part because I had to
decorate the store for Yule early, and in part because I love Yule
as much as I do Halloween (albeit in a completely different way).

But this year, November's introspection suits me and I was done
with Halloween as soon as the 1st rolled around (shock! horror!).
I have been spending hours staring out the window at the changing leaves,
contemplating my past, future and present. I am removing color
from my surroundings, wanting only clean and sombre black.

I have finished my exams and have no more classes.
From now until Yule am supposed to work on my degree paper,
but I find myself without any motivation. Instead of studying
I sleep in, paint stuff, do chores and spend time on Facebook.
I'm sure this is familiar to anyone who went to Uni...

I have had to accept that we probably won't be able to sell
the store until next year, when the scaffolding and building waste
are gone and people can find their way back to the square.
Hopefully though, we will get some compensation in the meantime.

Several cats have descended on our property lately,
scaring my boy and fighting with my girl. About a month ago
her eye was scratched so badly we had to take her to the vet,
and she had a cloudy eye for several weeks while it healed.
Every night I'm out there trying to scare them off. I hate it.

I have not been keeping up with commenting on blog posts
this last month, even though I do visit you guys. I apologize.
I find myself constantly thinking; I'll come back and comment
when I feel better. But I have been very low on energy.
I am seeing my doctor on Monday, and I am going to ask her
about a couple of unusual/experimental drugs. This latest
anti-anxiety drug I was on just confirmed that underneath it all
I really have nothing but a black pit of depression. But I am not
giving up until I have tried every treatment possibly imagined.

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words you left
on my previous post. For a shut-in like myself, on-line friendships
are very important, and I am grateful that you listen to even
my ugliest truths without judgement. You guys are the best.




 I have started this blog post in my mind 10 times now
but I don't know how to write it without it coming off
as a tirade of petty complaints. Just as with anything else
in my life, Halloween was a big "meh". It came and went
like every other week does. Then I will die, another life unlived.

I wake up wishing I didn't. I think about facing the world, life,
and my chest aches, my stomach tightens up, my head pounds.
You are unemployed, damaged, direction-less, worthless and fat.
Then I look around the house and pick out every single unclean
spot to confirm what a useless home-maker and girlfriend I am.

I just wrote three more paragraphs of what my day is like
but then I deleted them, because who wants to read that shit?
I wish I was a talented writer. I wish I was a talented designer.
I wish I had the energy to pursue anything, to care enough.

Life is emptiness and pain and pointlessness and hopelessness.
I cry and cry, I try yet another medication, I blog about
meaningless stuff, I tell my life story to yet another doctor.
How many is it now - 12, 13? Nothing ever changes.
Every now and again I can't take it anymore.
Guess what I do then? Nothing, that's what.

I get to watch what my pain does to the people who love me.
The pragmatic father bewildered. The sensitive mother
disappointed. The patient lover constantly worried.
And each one of them heart-broken. If you look closely
it's that towering boulder there on my right shoulder - guilt.
"There must be days when you feel a bit better?"
"But you are so full of energy/talented/intelligent/pretty/confident!"
Uhm, thanks..?
"But you must be able to feel happiness at least sometimes?!"
Please stop.

 Have we come full circle yet? I think so. I'm sorry,
I know this was a boring and depressing read.
Some of my new followers may be wondering
what the hell they stumbled in on. It's really nothing.



Halloween dinner party

We were late in deciding what to do for Halloween this year.
My man has been sick for over a week and I had a paper
to hand in and still have a test to study for. But the thought
of doing nothing was seriously depressing, so we decided
to invite my cousin and her husband over for dinner.

Hosting a dinner party gave us a reason to clean the house,
dress up and cook some good food. The guests also went
all out with their vampire costumes, and somehow one
appreciates one's own Halloween décor much more when
one can show it off to someone else :)

I have so many generous blog friends to thank for my dècor!
In these pictures alone are little Dolly Grim from Spooky Moon,
a coffin and scarf/tablecloth from Goth Gardening, creepy crawlies
from Winter Moon and string lights from Professor Z
and Calamitous Botanicus. Thank you all so much!

I missed the last few years' Trick-or-Treating in my store
and I was secretly hoping some children would find their way
to our door during the evening, but alas. I am still hoping
to get an invitation to my brother's for next weekend,
but I'm not sure their big busy family will have the time.

It was a pumpkin themed dinner. For starter we had
shrimp salad on pumpkin rye bread, that I had used
a cookie cutter on to make in to little pumpkin shapes.
The main course was pork with oven roasted vegetables:
 pumpkin, sweet potato and carrots, and for dessert
we had spiced pumpkin cake and little sugar cookies.

These are my first ever typical store bought props.
I'm not usually into the cheap plastic Halloween look,
but I thought this little couple was kind of cute :)

Did you all have a fun Halloween? Did you hand out candy?
What was your costume? Please tell me in the comments!


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