...or Another (and possibly more persistent) disappearance of Ms Misantropia
What the hell happened to time, people?
The last 6 months or so, I have started measuring my life by events
instead of hours, weeks and months. And holy SHIT. Time has just disappeared.
Is this what actual life is? Because then it will be over way faster than I thought.
Ok, enough philosophizing.
Let me start by telling you about the things that have remained the same:
I am still in my little house in the countryside, and I still have my two furry babies
with me. That's about it, the rest is new. I have a new job, a new man
and even the way I see the world, myself, my desires, my future...is all new.
I left the ice-cream truck behind about a month ago, with no regrets.
By then I was in a half desperate state after 9 months at that place,
but still (at 40) without the slightest clue as to what I wanted to do instead.
Then I passed by an ad from an ecological/local produce shop/restaurant
just across the hill from me - a lovely rustic place with amazing food.
I sent out a quick letter and the same evening my truck was robbed on the job.
The new place got back to me the next day and I never went back to my old job.
The man. Hmm, what to say... Also, he should probably get a nickname, right?
Tall guy? Super Swedish divorced single dad environmentalist? Slender Man..?
Anywho, we met online and had a crazy month of you-are-nothing-like-
what-I-am-used-to-and-this-will-never-work. Then this... kind of... tenderness
started to creep in. He does this thing where he looks at me, pulls a dazed smile,
shakes his head and sighs. He wraps his impossibly long strong arms around me.
And he tells me he loves me. It's weird, it's exhilarating, it's totally freaking me out,
it's making me feel so warm. That's all I'm gonna say about it right now.
Now, to my mind. This is going to sound completely crazy however I say it,
so I'll just say it. You know how you have slightly (or not so slightly) different
personalities with different people, or in different situations? Afraid of sounding
like I'm having a dissociative episode, I think I have finally been able to identify
all the different influences in my fractured mind and get them to start working together.
I call them my 5 demons, and with their help (and probably also new guy's help)
I feel like I am finally starting to see myself, and my place in the world, more clearly.
It's pretty huge for me. Life doesn't feel entirely hopeless anymore.
With all that said, I don't think I will be getting back to blogging anytime soon.
I have too many things going on in my life right now that I need to focus on.
I just happen to be down with strep throat at the moment and wanted to check in.
I hope you guys are all good, or at least holding on. Miss you!