Backstory, and a new story

I used to have a genuine interest in people. I loved to converse with anyone,
experience their brains at work. I took psychology at Uni, years of it actually.
But then life happened. Feeling and experiencing Everything. All the time.
as we Borderlines are wont to do, takes its toll. I needed to somehow distance myself
from the world, but mostly - people. Being an extroverted misanthropist is...complicated.

 That's how I ended up out in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere.
It was the only way to feel remotely safe. But - and really, I always knew this
- I don't want to feel safe. I want something exciting, something to turn my emotions on,
however crazy. Yes, living with this disorder can be hell sometimes, but I have created
some kind of amoeba-like bare existence for myself these past 10 years,
and I can safely say - it sucks. Balls.

Since 5 months back I have a job working for and with both colleagues and strangers,
I have several responsibilities and times to keep - and so far I'm doing quite well.
Turns out; I don't actually suck at everything. I don't have strange melt-downs,
I don't go off on aggressive customers, and I am pretty good at office relations.
The lesson here is obviously: You are your own worst enemy.

Yes, I still have anxiety and insomnia, and no, I won't ever be the sunny girl.
But, I am always evolving, learning new (or old) things about myself and others.
Experiencing the recent upheaval in my employment has taught me that:
1. I actually really like my job, and 2. I deal pretty well with change.
Had you asked me a couple of months ago, I probably wouldn't have said either one.

I want to send a special 'Thank you' to blog friends who keep sharing
through your most difficult moments, inspiring and supporting me
when I feel the need to do so myself, making me push through
my insecurities to stay true. You guys are my True North.

8 kommentarer:

  1. You don’t have to be the sunny girl and that’s okay. That’s an unfair expectation from others projecting their needs on to you for what they want of you. I don’t think distancing one’s self from the world is necessarily a bad thing. Like you said it was the only way to feel safe. Sometimes I think we need to pull away so we can muddle through the shit, so we can have the darker moments, without too much of other people’s energy interfering all the time. Sure it sucks and it can get very lonely, but you’re doing amazing things and getting back into the world. I think you’re doing exactly what you need to do and in your own time.
    I’m really glad that you like your job and that you are discovering things about yourself and others. Just remember it’s okay to have bad days, you’re beautiful, kind, intelligent, and strong! *hugs*

  2. Det är så fint att höra (eller läsa) att du mår bättre! <3

  3. Vad skönt att ditt jobb fungerar så bra för dig :D det påverkar ju livet så negativt om man hatar sitt jobb.

  4. Sounds like the job is going well and that you are excelling. I definitely could have told you that you don't suck at everything - your blog is a good read and you are very creative.

  5. We can, indeed, be our own worse enemy at times. How great it is when we get to look at ourselves, see all of what we are, and be able to say, "So what if I'm not perfect? Who is in this world of sunny days and crap? But... I don't suck at everything. And, damn! I really rock and when I'm rocking it."

    I love this post.

  6. Thanks for sharing from your heart and your courageous spirit! Keep being true to your self and be gentle with your beautiful soul! It is amazing how much we learn and grow through the layers of life. Being in the country far away sounds amazing! I am very solitary, so I love my quiet time and sacred space. Thanks again for sharing, keep shining.

  7. I once heard a guy talk and he said, if the police heard what we say to ourselves sometimes, we would be put in jail! Yes, we can be our worse enemy, indeed! I am proud of you! Keep being you! Keep shining your light and loving ever inch of yourself! If I had my choice, I would live more solitary as well! Big Hugs!!

  8. You have always been an amazing person to me. When I stumbled upon your Pinterest boards a few years ago I was struggling with a project that could have ended my career. The uniqueness of your choices combined with your fantastic eye for excellence gave me a new perspective on that project and inspired a wealth of new ideas. I'm so sorry for not taking the time to properly thank you before but I am really grateful to you - for being you!
    It's great to hear that you like your new job and feel confident doing it! Finding the right employment isn't easy but it sure can make life a little easier.
    You are an awesome person with many talents and the next time your inner demons get too loud, don't forget to tell them what I said!
    Cheers, Sarah


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