I used to have a genuine interest in people. I loved to converse with anyone,
experience their brains at work. I took psychology at Uni, years of it actually.
But then life happened. Feeling and experiencing Everything. All the time.
as we Borderlines are wont to do, takes its toll. I needed to somehow distance myself
from the world, but mostly - people. Being an extroverted misanthropist is...complicated.
That's how I ended up out in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere.
It was the only way to feel remotely safe. But - and really, I always knew this
- I don't want to feel safe. I want something exciting, something to turn my emotions on,
however crazy. Yes, living with this disorder can be hell sometimes, but I have created
some kind of amoeba-like bare existence for myself these past 10 years,
and I can safely say - it sucks. Balls.
Since 5 months back I have a job working for and with both colleagues and strangers,
I have several responsibilities and times to keep - and so far I'm doing quite well.
Turns out; I don't actually suck at everything. I don't have strange melt-downs,
I don't go off on aggressive customers, and I am pretty good at office relations.
The lesson here is obviously: You are your own worst enemy.
Yes, I still have anxiety and insomnia, and no, I won't ever be the sunny girl.
But, I am always evolving, learning new (or old) things about myself and others.
Experiencing the recent upheaval in my employment has taught me that:
1. I actually really like my job, and 2. I deal pretty well with change.
Had you asked me a couple of months ago, I probably wouldn't have said either one.
I want to send a special 'Thank you' to blog friends who keep sharing
through your most difficult moments, inspiring and supporting me
when I feel the need to do so myself, making me push through
my insecurities to stay true. You guys are my True North.