A Year in the F*cked up Life

Exactly one year ago I posted this picture of myself, one of the very few selfies I have ever shared on this blog. It wasn't a very good time in my life but I did feel pretty, I was at a desired weight and I felt sexy for a brief moment.

I can't remember feeling anything like that since then. In this last year, with dropping my studies, getting on benefits and breaking up with my partner, my eating disorder has spiraled out of control and I have gained close to 15 pounds. There are tons of dresses hanging in my closet that I don't even bother trying on anymore. I had hoped that becoming single again would straighten things out for me a bit, but so far not much has changed. I still can't even look at myself in a mirror.

I know that I'm far from alone in this, many blog friends express frustration about their weight from time to time. Just the other night I had a bit of a heated discussion with one of them on the subject of weight loss and fitness. Even though we can all recognize the struggle, we come at it from different angles and with different experiences - but I also kept it to myself how bad my situation actually is.

I know it's not a popular opinion to express about oneself but - I hate myself and my body. I am almost 40 years old and I am at constant war with my own body. I feel fat and worthless every day, and I use food and drink as a drug to stop from feeling. There, I said it. The cat is out of the bag.


13 kommentarer:

  1. I'm sorry you've been going through eating disorders, those are some of the most tricky and hard to live with mental illnesses. I think the worse thing to do is to go on with hating one's body, and it seems much easier said than done but maybe practising a hobby, walking, going to the beautician or the hairdresser (or taking care of your own aesthetics alone if you don't have enough money) can makes things easier. Also look at what you have and not focus on what you have not; for ex. when I couldn't walk I realized that having fixed bones and being able to walk again was priceless. I had never been so fat as when I started walking again at rehab (I had gained like 20 pounds!) but I could STAND and WALK! XOXO

  2. My dear, dear friend. I LOVE YOU <<< all caps because I LOVE YOU. ;) That's it ... I'm here for you, always.

  3. Big cuddles hope you feel better soon if you wanna chat just fb messger me. I'm the complete opposite when I have really bad period I can't eat. When I'm happy I eat. Yeap I always find Christmas a bad time of year. Just remember your loved.

  4. That's a awesome pic! I was a professional singer/dancer with a great bod and gone up to being one person in a body built for two (in other words, a huge cow). I've fought ups and downs all my life and have been on all kinds of diets. I hate them. I never diet anymore. Life is too short, and between health issues and financial woes, I grasp pleasure where I can and enjoy every moment of my life. We never know which day will be our last and I'd far rather have enjoyed my last day with good food not rabbit rations. Plus I'm happier, think more quickly, and work harder when I'm fat and have a high calorie intake. I'll take the trade off of dying early.

    Try to find the good in your situation. That will make you feel stronger and reduce stress. And who do you need to be skinny for anyway? Men don't deserve it and unless someone is paying you your salary they can grow screw themselves if they don't like how you look. No need to fancy up for people who mean nothing to you.

  5. I am so sorry that you hate your body but I know it can be very hard for those with eating disorders! I think a lot of people comfort eat. I'm 29 and I'm just learning to eat better. I hope you have a support network.

  6. Att skriva det där är mycket modigt! Du är en förebild för oss alla. <3

    Jag har också haft många problem med min kropp. En tredje av mitt liv har jag varit väldigt tjock. Det, och hur andra människor har reagerat på min kropp när jag var tjock och när jag var smal, har haft ett enormt intryck på mig. Jag tänkte att jag (min personlighet) inte är värdefull: att min smal kropp är den enda sak som andra gillar. Nu vet jag att det inte är så. Jag hoppas att du även vet det. <3

  7. As I know that you already have professional help, I won't suggest this. I admire your strength dealing with so many issues. Eating disorders are really no joke! But although you might not feel like it, I can only say that you look really pretty and not to big. Not that it helps...

  8. I know where you are coming from my friend! And, I know it's so much easier said, than done, but you have to truly love yourself! You got to stand infront of that mirror and love every inch of you!
    I have always had an eating disorder. I now realize it is because of the negativity I have had to deal with. So, I have always went to food!
    I truly started loving myself this year. Showing the real me and I have been doing well, but I have to admit, for the past couple of weeks, I have went off the wagon again. But, I am kicking myself in the ass.
    You got to do it!!! Love you for you, because no one else is going to do it for you!!
    Sending you positive energy!!! Big Hugs!! I know you can do it!!

  9. My darling! I can sympathize 100%. I started gaining weight after I quit working retail, then the surgery put me up another 11 lbs and by last January I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn't look in a mirror, people asked me if I was pregnant. It was not the number that bothered me as much as the look, I do not pack on pounds in the right places! If only you could channel it into just the boobs...

    I have struggled with an eating disorder for ten years now. I became anorexic following an intensely abusive relationship at 19. I had lost twenty five pounds from starting a new job. It was fabulous being skinny, every body looked at me differently and I had to maintain that. I never wanted to hear the words "fatty girl" come out of my boyfriend's mouth again, so I calorie counted, starved, and stuck my fingers down my throat whenever I believed I had "overdone" it with food.

    I eventually reverted to eating regularly and somehow didn't pack on weight until late university. Now, after having dropped over twenty pounds since earlier this year due to illness, I feel the death grip of anorexia taking hold again. It warns me that if I eat chocolate again I'll balloon up, it reminds me of how hideous I look even at 125 lbs. It's a cold hearted monster.

    I know we're on the opposite spectrum of eating disorders, but I'm always here if you need to vent. I can't tell you how to lose weight, I don't even understand it myself. Even exercise doesn't guarantee it. I worked myself to death earlier this year doing cardio and didn't shed a pound! The reality is is that we all have a certain metabolic rate that is specific to us, and unless you're a dietician it's damn near impossible to find the right balance in your diet and exercise.

    For now be forgiving to yourself. It's winter, no one gives an ass about how we look under sweaters. I encourage you to read up about your particular disorder. I've found reading is helping a lot in the different afflictions I've been having. And if you need to, there are even support groups. I'm thinking of going back into one.

    *Hugs* <3
    Take care, things will improve in time.

  10. Den här kommentaren har tagits bort av skribenten.

  11. It's a struggle, and I suppose for some of us it might always be that way. My mum was always on a diet, right up until the end. After three kids I gained a lot of weight and started dieting, but trying to hide it so my daughter wouldn't pick up any of the negative self-image stuff I'm sure I inherited from my mum. Finally, in my fifties, I started lifting weights. I loved it - and I'm sure it's no secret how much I HATE exercise, so that's saying something. It made me felt strong. But then, as always seems to happen in my life, I got sidetracked - mum got really sick with dementia/Alzheimers and my life was consumed with taking care of her and my young family. I put my health last, and everything I'd gained in the way of a healthy body went to hell in a handcart.

    I just joined a gym and started weights again this summer. After ten years between mum's death and now, I finally feel good again (read that as feeling strong, not thin) but, as always seems to happen, I got sidetracked last month - busy with markets, got sick, winter is coming, the roads are crap and it's hard to drive into the gym, there's all that Xmas baking to enjoy ... but you know what? I'll give myself permission to take a little break over the next few weeks and then I'll get right back at it in January. At my age, looking thin really isn't a priority anymore, but staying active and strong enough to lift my spouse up off the floor when his RA kicks in and his knees give out is. When my caregiving duties begin again, I know it's important to make my health just as much a priority as everything else I know will be waiting to sidetrack me again.

    As for advice? I have none, unless you use me as an example of what not to do, I suppose. lol And maybe to relax and cut yourself a little slack, Ms. Misantropia. We're none of us perfect ... just works-in-progress. Lovely, beautiful, evolving WIP's. <3

  12. I think you are allowed to have periods and moments in life to hate yourself, to admit to hating yourself. I think it is important to feel these feelings and admit to them so that you can say "All right I said it, now what? How do I go from here?" and denying them would only hamper healing. Even if that that healing process is a painfully long one, at least you have faced what you feel. But that's just my opinions and thoughts on the matter.
    The truth is, I am at the same point in my own life and from my end of things, I get it. A lot of the time, I just want to say "fuck all", get plastered and crash out on the sofa, or eat a whole pizza by myself.
    Anyway, at the end of the day, I just want you to know that you aren't alone, you can e-mail me whenever you need or want to, and although I've never met you in person, you are important and I love you as one loves a good and dear friend. *HUGS*

  13. I am sorry to know you experience such problems and confusions about yourself. I cannot advice you really on what to do and what not to. But I would like to tell that we all at many point so four lives start doubting our own bodies, we dislike them, we want to have better skin, better legs (longer?) etc. However appreciating what we ARE and taking care of ourselves is what we should do. Please come out of this zone, it's a holiday time, time to be hopeful and cheerful and enjoy. Believe me and you know this that many people would give anything to be as healthy as we are. Happy coming up holidays, I hope you feel better :))) Love!


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