Exactly one year ago I posted this picture of myself, one of the very few selfies I have ever shared on this blog. It wasn't a very good time in my life but I did feel pretty, I was at a desired weight and I felt sexy for a brief moment.
I can't remember feeling anything like that since then. In this last year, with dropping my studies, getting on benefits and breaking up with my partner, my eating disorder has spiraled out of control and I have gained close to 15 pounds. There are tons of dresses hanging in my closet that I don't even bother trying on anymore. I had hoped that becoming single again would straighten things out for me a bit, but so far not much has changed. I still can't even look at myself in a mirror.
I know that I'm far from alone in this, many blog friends express frustration about their weight from time to time. Just the other night I had a bit of a heated discussion with one of them on the subject of weight loss and fitness. Even though we can all recognize the struggle, we come at it from different angles and with different experiences - but I also kept it to myself how bad my situation actually is.
I know it's not a popular opinion to express about oneself but - I hate myself and my body. I am almost 40 years old and I am at constant war with my own body. I feel fat and worthless every day, and I use food and drink as a drug to stop from feeling. There, I said it. The cat is out of the bag.