Ok, this is out of character, and I know it will be weird reading this.
Not just because I'm child-free by choice, but also because
I never write about this stuff, and because most of us are at an age
when we have left this behind us for good. But this is what's been
going on around me lately, and I just needed to write things down.

The infertile woman

The first story is about the woman who never had a normal period in her life and who,
as it turns out, only has deformed eggs, even after months of hormone treatment.
Her husband would not even consider having other kids than "his own"
and cheated on her with one of their best friends, while she was doing IVF.

The same woman met a new man at the age of 35 and in the beginning
they were both in agreement over making a child-free life for themselves.
But while not using protection (because of the mixture of resignation and hope)
it soon crept in to conversation. The state sanctioned health care in Sweden
doesn't have a plan for preparing couples for childlessness, instead they just keep on
encouraging, administering and injecting (free of charge) until all hope is gone.

So, the woman once again went through hormone treatments and IVF
with failed results, followed by therapy and a lot of sadness and guilt.
After a year of heartbreak the new man had had enough and moved out.
Just about the same time her ex-husband called her up to tell her about his new baby.
Talking to her now, she still can't wrap her head around where it all went wrong.

The baby mama

This woman grew up in a very unstable home with a mother with at least
one mental disorder and a father decades older than his spouse.
Her childhood was horrible, and as a result she fled in to the arms of the
first man who would have her. Unfortunatley it was a man from a culture
where women don't work, where men aren't really expected to be faithful,
and where unmarried women who have children are reduced to being someone's
"baby mama". Feminism doesn't even exist in his country.

Now, all this girl wanted was a new family, to have children - and she was madly in love.
She didn't really care about the hows or the wheres. After two miscarriages
it was discovered that she needed a simple surgery to maintain the pregnancy.
By the time she and her man (who quickly finds a woman on any continent,
and subsequently procreates) finally carried a child to term she was alone.
"Her man" was thrown out of the country, and after touring the world
apparently now he is married and living with a new woman in the States,
while our girl is raising two of his children, alone in Sweden.

The infertile couple

She never had a proper fertile period - He never had a good sperm count.
But "thanks" to all the thoughtless doctors who prescribed the pill to millions
of women over the last 40 years (Flashback: "There are no side-effects."
- spoken by a doctor to 17-year-old me) she never even knew there was
an issue until she got married and started trying. And he didn't get a sperm count
until he was 36 (which showed live sperm was pretty much non-existent)
because still no-one is talking to our boys about fertility, problems or fatherhood.

They have been together for almost 20 years, but so far their IVF has been unsuccessful.
At a party a few years ago she clearly stated that if she couldn't have kids
her life wasn't worth living and she might as well die. A couple of months ago
my man got a text saying they were divorcing, but they are still at it.
Last time we saw them though, they weren't even talking to each other.

The unlucky body

This woman has struggled with a chaotic family and severe depression
for most of her life. As far as I know she's still on anti-depressants
(which is in no way uncommon). To add insult to injury, for many years
she had a hard time conceiving. When she finally did she had the most horrible pain
and was rushed to the hospital. She was having an ectopic pregnancy and they had to
remove both her fetus and one of her ovaries - cutting her chances in half.

After years or fretting she finally did carry to term and had a healthy baby.
I think she and her man are actually pretty happy together and will make it through.
Naturally she has made a cocoon around her and her family now and I haven't
heard from her since the naming party. But I hope she and her family is doing ok.


11 kommentarer:

  1. All complicated and sad stories. I've always felt a touch of guilt about not wanting children in that it is a choice that I don't really have to try very hard to accomplish.

  2. Fertility is such a mysterious thing. It causes so much heartbreak for so many people. I can say that after a miscarriage the only thing that healed my pain was to have another baby. But then over here in the UK I think people are becoming much more aware of these issues and I think women in particular are aware of their 'ticking biological clock'. I read an article on it a few years ago in Cosmo. Not that that's a habit of any sort, lol.

  3. The infertile woman's ex....what a callous fucker!Horrible person he is. I feel for the baby mama especially. I wish all four best luck in moving forward.

  4. Thank the Goddess I never had to deal with any of these issues. I'm a happily child-free lesbian.

  5. Female reproductive health is the pits. Doctors are divided on a lot of issues and depending on where you live health coverage, religion and sexism can have an impact on how your lady parts are treated, if at all. I have a friend who has been trying to raise money for a fertility treatment because there's an issue with her man's urethra, or something like that, I don't ask. She's close to her goal and I'm happy she will be able to get the treatment done and build a family (provided it's successful). She's always respected my decision not to have kids and I respect her choice to have them. I remember feeling totally pissed when I learned that our government wouldn't cover her procedure but they covered my tubal ligation! How is that fair? The cost for her procedure isn't even that high, you would think giving the gift of motherhood to a woman is important. I guess not in Ontario. It's sad and I don't like to see anyone struggle with something that should come naturally to them. It makes me appreciate my preference for not having kids, because if I did want them I'd be far worse off than my friend!

  6. These are sad and gripping stories.

  7. Such sadness. I hate that everything has to be so complicated.

  8. I think you have a highlighted such an interesting topic via your post. When I was 17 years old, I miscarried my first child, despite only being in the first trimester, statistically one out of three. I've just come to terms now with accepting it. At the time, I was in such an unhealthy state to help myself let alone have another life. Not to mention the destructive emotional relationship

    I'm opting for childless life; I'm happy with it. As my choice and considering my partner doesn't want children. I think at 20 years my senior it wouldn't be fair to change his lifestyle for the sake of children.

    Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling. In my part of the world, there is a high number of a lower social, economic demographic and one of the consequences is many people have had children extremely young and sometimes made to feel as though there is something odd or wrong with you.I must admit this as preventable as it used to b the stigma is still there.

    Your story has also got me thinking about a work colleague of my dad's who successfully had a child via IVF. Now, they have a child his wife finds it difficult to cope to care for the child. I'm not suggesting anything people shouldn't try all resorts, and everybody is different and will. Sometimes people want something so badly that once they have what they want there unable to to deal with the reality of the situation.

    Sorry for my long winded comment just a fascinating topic.

  9. What Jonquil said. What a worthless bastard.

  10. All the stories are so moving and complicated! For myself, I will never be blessed with "birthing" my own child and I am fine with that.

  11. When I was a little girl, my grand life plan was to be married by 18 and have a at least one child by the time I was 20. I didn't want much did I?
    Well, apparently I did. Because I have P.C.O.S and its genetic. My mother has it and lost my older sister and younger brother because of it, only people weren't totally up front about the how or why back then. She didn't even carry me to term. I was a month early.

    There's this misconception that a lot of women have and most certainly a lot of men- that women are baby making factories. That's wrong. Sometimes a woman's body just isn't built for it or something has happened and things just don't work right. That's okay. No one should ever make anyone else feel small or worthless or defective because they can't do something other people can. Not having a kid isn't the end of the world and while I understand the desire to have on of your own blood, there are plenty of wonderful kids in the world who have no one. So seeing stories like these really just break my heart.


Lately I have been falling behind answering comments, for many reasons. But I read and cherish all of them! Your comments make my day, yay!

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