I have been so scared for so long. Scared that I'm broken
and that I have nothing anyone would want in a personal relationship,
and scared that I'm a failure with nothing to contribute in a professional sense.
I have also been terrified that nothing will ever change.
This fear has manifested itself in my blogging, which has been unfocused,
spotty and weak, at a time when I actually have had time on my hands
to turn it in to something better. The internet has also been a scary place
lately, full of angry racism, feminist backlash and stupid stupid media.
When I started blogging I wrote about personal stuff (has since been removed),
but after a year or two something changed. More followers meant catering
to a bigger crowd. I started second guessing every post that wasn't about easy stuff,
like interior design, and many posts just never saw the light of day.
I was also very aware of not posting too many text-only entries.
One of my diagnoses is GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), which means
I worry about every single thing all of the time - and I am just so fed up with it.
I feel like I am breaking myself in half trying to anticipate people's reactions,
prepare for worst case scenarios, fearing people's (and my own) judgment.
So I am rethinking the 'personal' aspect of this blog. Hence some of the more
personal ramblings of late. I always enjoy reading my blog friends' personal posts
much more than say, outfit posts. So from now on there will be less censoring
of myself on here. I hope I don't loose any blog friends in the process.