Dearest friends, I hope you all had a wonderful Yule
and that you are looking forward to a great night tomorrow!
Every year at this time I write about how crappy my year has been
and everyone is wonderfully sweet, commenting along the lines of:
"Here's to a better new year for all of us!" Blog friends are the best.
This year won't be any different, I'm afraid.
Despite the way I treat my body - I drink, eat alot of chocolate,
don't sleep well and I never exercise - I have never really had any ailments.
Early this year, however, one guy in the long line of doctors I have seen
commented on how I'd never had a blood test done in my life.
Another doctor looked a bit concerned about my raising heart,
since my dad had to have heart surgery 2 years ago.
A couple of hours ago I unhooked the ECG I have been wearing
for the last 48 hours (I have the bruises and rashes to prove it)
and in a few weeks yet another doctor will call me to discuss
the results of that test, and the fact that I seem to have non-diabetic
postprandial hypoglycemia (unusually reactive low blood sugar).
Is this what middle age is like?
Now, my mind - that's another story.
For the last month and a half I have been on the relatively new drug
Brintellix, a triple working serotonin enhancer. For any of you out there
who suffer from depression, I might actually recommend this drug.
It takes forever to work, but it does help against some of the sadness
without having too many side-effects, especially after 4-6 weeks.
What I noticed though, was that my Borderline disorder acted up.
When I started on the new drug I was easing off an anti-anxiety drug
with horrible side-effects, that mostly left me deeply depressed anyway.
Together with all the stress of Yule and the new drug combination
taking away some of that ol' apathy, I had an emotional melt down.
You know that crazy, crying, screaming woman you used to live
next door to that one time when you were 20...? Yup, that's it.
So now I'm seeing yet another therapist in January, and another doctor
in February. I am also looking into the relatively new Mentalization
therapy, though getting specialized psychological treatment in Sweden
is incredibly difficult and for some reason they mostly offer group therapy,
which unfortunately is pretty useless to someone with very high brain capacity.
The whole melt down means I don't trust myself right now, and
not enough to go to the New Year's party at my man's friends' house.
Since I'm so afraid I would mess it up and freak out I probably would.
So I'm staying home. It's not a tragedy to me, as I have never liked
New Year's Eve anyway. All that new-hope-happy-celebration stuff
is like a punch to the gut to a misanthropic depressive.
Aren't I just a barrel of laughs?
But - please do tell me what you will be up to on the big night!
For some reason I love hearing stories about black dresses
and champagne. Just skip on the resolutions, would ya?