2015-12-30

December damage report


Dearest friends, I hope you all had a wonderful Yule
and that you are looking forward to a great night tomorrow!

Every year at this time I write about how crappy my year has been
and everyone is wonderfully sweet, commenting along the lines of:
"Here's to a better new year for all of us!" Blog friends are the best.
 This year won't be any different, I'm afraid.
 
Despite the way I treat my body - I drink, eat alot of chocolate,
don't sleep well and I never exercise - I have never really had any ailments.
Early this year, however, one guy in the long line of doctors I have seen
commented on how I'd never had a blood test done in my life.
Another doctor looked a bit concerned about my raising heart,
since my dad had to have heart surgery 2 years ago.

 A couple of hours ago I unhooked the ECG I have been wearing
for the last 48 hours (I have the bruises and rashes to prove it)
and in a few weeks yet another doctor will call me to discuss
the results of that test, and the fact that I seem to have non-diabetic
postprandial hypoglycemia (unusually reactive low blood sugar).
Is this what middle age is like?

Now, my mind - that's another story.
For the last month and a half I have been on the relatively new drug
Brintellix, a triple working serotonin enhancer. For any of you out there
who suffer from depression, I might actually recommend this drug.
It takes forever to work, but it does help against some of the sadness
without having too many side-effects, especially after 4-6 weeks.

What I noticed though, was that my Borderline disorder acted up.
When I started on the new drug I was easing off an anti-anxiety drug
with horrible side-effects, that mostly left me deeply depressed anyway.
Together with all the stress of Yule and the new drug combination
taking away some of that ol' apathy, I had an emotional melt down.
You know that crazy, crying, screaming woman you used to live
next door to that one time when you were 20...? Yup, that's it.

So now I'm seeing yet another therapist in January, and another doctor
in February. I am also looking into the relatively new Mentalization
therapy, though getting specialized psychological treatment in Sweden
is incredibly difficult and for some reason they mostly offer group therapy,
which unfortunately is pretty useless to someone with very high brain capacity.

The whole melt down means I don't trust myself right now, and
not enough to go to the New Year's party at my man's friends' house.
Since I'm so afraid I would mess it up and freak out I probably would.
So I'm staying home. It's not a tragedy to me, as I have never liked
New Year's Eve anyway. All that new-hope-happy-celebration stuff
is like a punch to the gut to a misanthropic depressive.
Aren't I just a barrel of laughs?


But - please do tell me what you will be up to on the big night!
For some reason I love hearing stories about black dresses
and champagne. Just skip on the resolutions, would ya?




 




33 kommentarer:

  1. Hoping your tests come out rather boring! I have a lingering lurgy so will be staying home for the Eve. Looking forward towards New Years Day, though. Love the florals in the Rose Bowl Parade �� I'm not much for the resolutions thing,either. Looking forward to the Grands returning to school,however.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. You know what -boring would be great at this instance!
      I am guessing you are saying "allergy"..? In that case I'm sorry. My man has asthma and severe allergies and I know how sick one can feel :(

      Radera
  2. I hate New Year's resolutions. I prefer a day-to-day system. Now, as for the big night itself, I am thinking about going to the movies or something. Alone in a crowd is kinda my thing.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I like that. I did that for a while but figured out that I just can't stand people. But experiencing the world is important - for a while.

      Radera
  3. I can relate to the psychological issues and I hope with all my heart that you will find the proper treatment. Last year same date I was still in a wheelchair after trying to kill myself. Fortunately today I stand on my two feet and the mood is rather OK. Never give up on hope! Love XXX

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I am so very sorry that you have had these issues ad I can't imagine what it is like to go through every day now. You are a very strong woman, even though I'm sure you feel extremely weak at times.

      Radera
    2. I'm grateful I made it through. At the time I wasn't sure I would.

      Radera
  4. Vi brukar skippa nyårsfirande, det är många år vi istället har spelat dataspel och ätit tårta medan det nya året anländer, men i år ska vi faktiskt äta middag hos min mans morföräldrar. ^^

    Jag har aldrig hört talas om den där non-diabetic sjukdomen :O jag har alltid lägre än normalt blodtryck och rusande hjärta men ingen läkare har sagt nåt mer om det än att de inte ger medicin för lågt blodtryck. O.o

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. En kan ha olika hjärtproblem utan att det är något "problem". Det är faktiskt så att min familj lever väldigt länge, långt över 90. Men min far mådde mycket dåligt i flera år, så jag ville kolla vad mina "känningar" var.
      Angående det reaktiva, låga blodsockret kan jag inte rapportera något ännu - förutom att säga att jag nog fakstikst alltid haft det, jag har alltid velat ha söta saker.

      Radera
  5. Det lät lovande, i början... Skit också att det inte kan finnas några bra mediciner eller terapeuter!! men det är verkligen bra att det har kollat din fysiska hälsa.
    Vi ska vara hemma och vara nyktra eftersom min stora sudd är ute och suddar och hittar på bus. Jag har slutat dricka helt och hållet när barnen är hemma. Johan håller på att tomta febrilt ute i garaget för att knåpa ihop något egenhändigt fyrverkeri med krut, musik, rök och laser. Nörden är i full gång. Så istället för den lilla svarta och klingande champanjeglas så blir det tokiga familjens alternativa nyår. Många varma kramar <3

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Vänta, det läter ju hel-farligt att knåpa ihop ditt eget fyrverkeri..! Men ni kanske är större kemi/fysik-nördar än jag trott? :)

      Radera
  6. Look on the bright side of the new year. You get to do whatever you like! Happy New Years to you anyway! I've never made a new years resolution and things have worked out just fine. Although I do have blackeye peas on the first for good luck. Have you heard of that before? And I'm going to bed early like I usually do!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Never heard of that, it sounds like a nice tradition though.
      You are right, a new year might mean new possibilities.

      Radera
  7. Lovely to read a new blog post from you. I am also glad you found the medication that seems to treat your depression better.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you for your encouraging words, and Happy Hew Year!

      Radera
  8. I plan on losing thirty pounds, start exercising daily and quit drinking this year. Also, no more sugar for me. And coffee. I'm going to give up drinking coffee. True story. ;)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Oh, the horror that was coursing through me before I realized you were joking..! You can't do shit like that, Ms Insomniac, you're gonna give me a heart attack!

      Radera
    2. I can't believe you actually believed me, Ms. Misantropia! But I'm really sorry ... I certainly didn't mean to scare you with those completely unrealistic resolutions. :O

      Radera
  9. Sorry you don't get to go to your man's party because sometimes it's fun to dress up and go out. We'll be heading out for an early dinner and then we'll lock ourselves inside to drink and watch the countdown on television... And note how we recognize even fewer musicians on the countdown this year :p

    I'm sorry for your hard year (s) and that this seems like a forever process in finding help; I adore you and your posts just the same. Happy New Year, Friend!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Hah yeah, and all the new music sounds the same... There's that middle age talking!

      Yeah, it does seem like a forever process. I am right in the age group when many Borderlines give up. But I'm pressing on.

      Radera
  10. We will stay home, watch movies, and make a party plate. I wonder if this new health issue contributes, and I hope they know more about it these days. I've heard of it; it was floated out there as a possibility for a family member some time ago. Blessings for a New Year, and it stinks that management is difficult for you and others. I wish doctors had more answers. xoox Su

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I have always been Borderline, I don't believe it ever goes away even if you learn to manage yourself better with age. I believe the right diagnosis is extremely important, so I hope your family member is able to figure it out.

      Radera
  11. With my social anxiety I am not big into parties and crowds either, so I am happy to have stayed home!

    It really sucks trying to get medications right! Hope it will all work out!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I am glad I stayed at home too, just got a call from my man saying the party had all got together for scones at noon and were now taking a walk through town (It's 3 PM here). To a normal person that sounds like a wonderful end and start to the new year, to me it's like "YOU HAVE TO SPEND 20 HOURS STRAIGHT WITH THESE PEOPLE, WHO YOU BARELY KNOW, PRETENDING TO BE RELAXED AND HAPPY THE ENTIRE TIME."

      Radera
  12. We are here at home waiting for the ball to drop on t.v. I hope the new year is full of your wildest wishes come true.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you Holly! One day I'd like to watch the ball drop too.

      Radera
  13. I'm glad the new meds are working on the depression, one good thing among all the bad ones is still a good thing. I hope you get manageable news from the cardiologist. And may all this year's medical bits be less frustrating than last year (for both you and me).

    Our New Year's Eve was spent mostly staring at each other, and making jokes about how exhausted we were. The Little Princess spent all month talking about how she was going to stay up until midnight... she was out by 10pm. My Piano Man and I passed out a couple of hours after that. No loud parties for us these year. The body wanted some rest.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Haha, at first I was imagining some kind of freakish staring contest at the stroke of twelve there :) ANd I remember how hard it was staying up when I was a kid - nothing like now, when I need a sleeping pill to get to rest before dawn.

      Radera
  14. Well, I sure do Wish I had one of those Black Dress Affairs to regale you with, but with The Man having Traumatic Brain Injury we tend to spend most Holidays quietly now since he'd be the one Freaking Out at a Party! *LOL* However, the Grandson Surprised me by having a Social Engagement for New Years! He has Serious Mental Illness and usually Isolates for the Holidays but has been on a new Med too which is making him Feel a lot less Morose and Negative during Special Events and Holidays... so I can certainly Relate to the Struggle you Endure Coping during Festivities. Sometimes he just can't have too much of a Good Time or be around too much Positive Energy and we often Share a Laugh about that since his Crazy Gramma {Me} is the exact opposite so we're like Yin and Yang! I'm Glad you have found a Med regimen that could be helping... and I Pray your results are positive about the Medical Issue, I was diagnosed with Diabetes a couple years ago and it really was a Life Changer and I'm not that good with taking Meds or being a person with infirmity since I don't Trust Western Medicine very much at all and would much prefer to utilize my Eastern Medicine or Tribal Medical Practices to be Well. *Winks* I will oblige on skipping the Resolutions... I thought I would make a slew of them, then didn't... and I'm Good with that this year. Hugs from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I'm sorry to hear about the troubles your family is having, but it's nice to hear that your grand son is finding a way that seems to work for him.
      Instead of resolutions I'm thinking about making a wish list, or a list intentions, for 2016. Like visit the States, get a puppy :)
      Happy New year!

      Radera
  15. I'm so sorry to hear all of this. None of this is easy. It's difficult and scary. Amanda and I have been having some troubles of our own health and mental wise. If you need to vent or cry, feel free to shoot me an e-mail. I may not have any great advice but I am happy to listen.

    I don't make New Year's resolutions anymore. I inevitably break them. Instead I make a tentative plan of things I would like to do to better myself. Doesn't always work out.

    We had a pretty low key New Years. We went to the couple's house who let us live with them part time. We watched two geeky movies and rolled up new Dungeons and Dragons characters with them and a few other people. I am trying something new and stepping away from playing a wizard/mage and trying out a Monk. It looks like it is going to be really fun and might only be once a month, which is fine with me. We drank very little and had lots of goodies.
    Happy New Year, I really do hope it turns out better than the last for you. *hugs*

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you, Hannah, you are very sweet. I hope the two of you also find the help you need.

      I don't know what a Monk is? We play now and again and I really enjoy it, but we never really get hooked - I guess because one of us has always been working full time.

      Radera

Lately I have been falling behind answering comments, for many reasons. But I read and cherish all of them! Your comments make my day, yay!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...