2015-11-09

Nothing


 I have started this blog post in my mind 10 times now
but I don't know how to write it without it coming off
as a tirade of petty complaints. Just as with anything else
in my life, Halloween was a big "meh". It came and went
like every other week does. Then I will die, another life unlived.

I wake up wishing I didn't. I think about facing the world, life,
and my chest aches, my stomach tightens up, my head pounds.
You are unemployed, damaged, direction-less, worthless and fat.
Then I look around the house and pick out every single unclean
spot to confirm what a useless home-maker and girlfriend I am.

I just wrote three more paragraphs of what my day is like
but then I deleted them, because who wants to read that shit?
I wish I was a talented writer. I wish I was a talented designer.
I wish I had the energy to pursue anything, to care enough.

Life is emptiness and pain and pointlessness and hopelessness.
I cry and cry, I try yet another medication, I blog about
meaningless stuff, I tell my life story to yet another doctor.
How many is it now - 12, 13? Nothing ever changes.
Every now and again I can't take it anymore.
Guess what I do then? Nothing, that's what.

I get to watch what my pain does to the people who love me.
The pragmatic father bewildered. The sensitive mother
disappointed. The patient lover constantly worried.
And each one of them heart-broken. If you look closely
it's that towering boulder there on my right shoulder - guilt.
 
"There must be days when you feel a bit better?"
No.
"But you are so full of energy/talented/intelligent/pretty/confident!"
Uhm, thanks..?
"But you must be able to feel happiness at least sometimes?!"
Please stop.

 Have we come full circle yet? I think so. I'm sorry,
I know this was a boring and depressing read.
Some of my new followers may be wondering
what the hell they stumbled in on. It's really nothing.




 




44 kommentarer:

  1. You poor darling - you sound clinically depressed. That negative self talk in your head leads no where. I hope you find the program you need so you can get back some vitality. But if writing about it helps you deal, then do it. I will happily read whatever allows you to cope.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Yes, I am. Thank you for your encouragement.

      Radera
  2. P.S. lots and lots of people on this planet deal with depression. It doesn't make you damaged. I like you for who you are, what you write, and your creativity.

    SvaraRadera
  3. I've been there and when I tell you I've been there it means severe depression and anxiety from age 12 to 24, diagnosed borderline, then 5 years of being better, then worst relapse ever at 30 (burnt out by work), 3 weeks in the psych ward, 2 suicide attempts in a row, the latter leaving me with a broken femur (I know have an implant) and the only thing that you have to think of is that PEOPLE LOVE YOU, God I have NEVER EVER been in a love relationship because I always become attached to older, straight married female teachers or therapists (ore as an exception male ones, same shit) BUT MY FAMILY LOVES ME, MY BEST FRIEND CARES FOR ME, so I am still here and I continue to continue. Let yourself be LOVED.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I am so sorry to hear this, what horrible experiences. I have never been better, but I don't think I can imagine my life without a partner - even though every day is a struggle for the relationship to survive. Thank you for reminding me of love. I hope you feel better soon too.

      Radera
  4. Depression is a horrible monster which eats your life away. I keep my fingers crossed that you find a medication which balances the hormones in your brain again, but to be honest - only about 10% of patients have real effects of medication. You just might not be one of them, no matter how hard you try. There is nothing wrong about you, it is just that us scientists have not understood depression well enough to help the rest of the 90%.

    I might tell you something which you have heard often and will probably hate by now. It will pass. The 90% which do not profit from medication still "get over" their depression. Most of the time, they have to make changes in their environment, like losing a horrible job or getting rid of "friends" who turned them down. But maybe getting rid of your store and getting back to university is the right way for you?

    All of the above is statistics. I know you are not a number. I can hardly imagine how horrible you must feel. But please understand that you matter. Your voice matters. Your opinion matters. I like reading about your life, although I never met you in person. Even if your Halloween was bad - so what, I also spent mine sick on the couch. Life isn't always glamorous. Life is eating pizza or take out if you have no time or mind to cook. Life is getting a hug from Cinnamon man if University sucked all power and energy out of you. Life is making a necklace when you really should wash your dirty clothes (and trust me, I have experienced that. Going commando to the washing room because all panties were used. Boy, did I feel grown up! ^^). Life just happens. Noone expects you to be perfect. Except you, maybe.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you.

      But yes - I have heard people, therapists, say that before; that depression passes. And in 90% of the cases they may be right, but they are never talking about chronic depression, they are talking about people who used to be "happy", then fell into a hole and had a hard time getting back up, but they usually do at some point. My depression isn't like that, it's going on 20+ years, and some of my doctors say I might have to "live with it".

      I don't mind normal unglamorous life, that is not my problem. My problem is that even when it's at its most "glamorous" I still am just as depressed and nothing ever changes. Pizza, hugs and pyjamas sound great, if I didn't have a screaming hole inside.

      Radera
  5. May Hecate guide you from the underworld of depression, dear one. Be it so! I hope on your behalf.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Did you just put a blessing on me? Thank you, Debra <3

      Radera
  6. Sometimes it has to be enough that you do what you can when you can. Some days are going to be better than others and the best thing those around you can do for you, is accept it and don't bug you about it. Do they still need to care or be a little worried, sure. But instead of asking you "why or why not?" they should be asking you "What can I do to help you?" but in the way of house cleaning, getting school work done, going somewhere with you and so on. I'm not saying that they shouldn't talk to you about what's going on because you need an outlet. I'm saying that they shouldn't make you feel guilty for how you feel.
    This is something I'm trying to put into practice for myself and get Amanda to follow through with along with other people I frequently have face to face contact with. I don't know if they would help or be something you are interested in or if I am even right, but its an idea left here for you to do with as you please.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. It is hard to make people around you understand what you need, and what is the exact wrong thing to say/do. Me and my mother have struggled with that for decades now. She is still trying to "gloss over" my pain, tell me to "cheer up!" or that me thinking and talking about it is just making it worse...
      My man does this great thing though, he asks "What do you need tonight, baby?" Even if I don't always know, I like hearing that.

      Radera
  7. Oh man it must be something in this atmosphere today and many many days. Kat on some level I do feel you. This sounds weird but it's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling so lost & fuc&ed up today. I enjoy that you keep your blogging real and are truthfull and honest about how life is. You have lots of talents and it shows on your blog. Your man is by your side for a reason, only a few can hold love and compassion for us depressed. We are strong also, waking up to another day, putting our life out for the universe to see. I'm amazed at all you take on, your stronger than you think. Virtual hugs my friend, let's keep hanging on even if it's by the tips of our fingernails.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I feel the same when I read about blog friends going through really rough stuff, or battling mental/emotional illness. Obviously I don't want them to hurt, but it does give me some comfort to know that I am not the only one.
      Though I don't really have worse and better days like you do, my depression is unchanging and has been for decades.

      Radera
  8. I am so sorry to read this and I don't know what to say. All I can say is that I do want to read your blog.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. It's ok not knowing what to say. Sometimes that's better than using platitudes.I appreciate your words anyway.

      Radera
  9. I have noticed quite a few friends that are down lately. That always makes me wonder if it is in fact a universal bad energy thing this week? I have been visiting some pretty dark places myself this week, so it seems to be a time to reflect, seek truth, and then grow from it. Plus add on that people seem to be extremely irritable and demanding this week. Maybe they have been facing their own demons as well? I don't know. At work, I had a screaming child in the store today. It was the end of the day and I could just tell he was tired and cranky. I looked up to see all the annoyed customers waiting in line behind him and his mother and thought they all look tired and cranky! They just aren't able to scream about it the way he did! So they end up pushing out their frustration in other more "adult" ways like being rude and condescending. It's weeks like this that make me just want to Hermit at home instead of facing people. All I can say is that it's good to visit those dark places once in a while. Without the dark there can be no light. We all need to reevaluate life and struggles now and again in order to grow. Just don't take up residence there. Everything is about balance. I put a pic of The Morrigan on my facebook recently. She always reminds me to reemerge from the darkness.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. For me it's not about having a bad week. Unfortunately I have taken up residence there in the darkness, since a couple of decades back. And it doesn't matter what I do, I cannot re-emerge. I am constantly aching for balance, for just one single day of peace.
      I'm not sure who the Morrigan is. I will have to look her up.

      Radera
  10. I know those feelings! My medicine was going so well but the side effects are just really shitty now so I am going down, maybe going off it it does not improve, and hoping that it won't mess everything up again! Don't be too hard on yourself if you can help it, keep looking for a solution, get some sunlight, some outdoor breeze, hug a furry creature, write down what you are grateful for, try anything. REmember that it is ok to stay at home and read or watch tv and eat junk food and just veg out! I love doing that stuff and it's ok to do that! I don't know if any of this helps but you are not alone!!!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Oh I know all about shitty side-effects, I'm sorry! The last one, while lessening my anxiety, also made me realize just how sad I am and made all my "delicate parts" completely numb..!
      I should probably try to read and write more, lately I have just not had any interest or energy. For now I'm painting furniture, but that doesn't offer the same kind of escapism as reading, or the same kind of release as writing.

      Radera
  11. It's tough fighting through the sludge of self depreciation, but you have to hold onto the hope that someday you'll find your balance.
    People remind you you're beautiful and talented not because they feel obligated to do so, but because we know it to be the truth. Facts cannot be wrong.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. That's sweet of you to say.
      I sometimes think about those awful things I say to myself, almost every waking moment. You would never say that to anyone else. No wonder I crumble under my own weight.

      Radera
  12. Hi, hopefully, you'll start feeling more positive soon. Unfortunately, depression is a cruel thing the battle is hard and arduous it's something that devours everything and nobody can truly understand what it feels like until they have experienced it.

    Sometimes, especially with depression we tend to be our worst critics and enemies. I don't mean to sound indulgent recently, I've felt very similar to some of the feelings you described in your blog, I was even considering deleting my blog as I was worried about people not reading it and other stuff, also I had some personal stuff happening.

    Anyway, blogosphere is such a great and supportive community. I've only followed your blog for a few months, I find it interesting to read and your talented writer.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you for your understanding and encouraging words, Sarah.
      I'm sorry you are battling problems of your own. You are right, I am my own worst enemy - no-one treats anyone like I treat myself, with the same hatred and disgust. It's quite horrible.
      I have not seen an update from you in a while, so I'm wondering if my blog roll isn't showing your blog..? I will investigate.

      Radera
  13. Are you sure you aren't in my head? I feel that exact same way all the time. I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not. Doctors haven't been able to help, in fact one basically told me today to try someone else. Meh. {{hugs!}}
    blessings
    ~*~

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I'm so sorry. I could tell by one of your posts about a month ago that we may be battling the same chronic state. I have come to understand that it's pretty rare, and I'm glad we both now know that we are not alone in this. Unfortunately it means that neither one of us may ever get well, and that breaks my heart.
      I have had doctors telling me I might just have to "live with it"...

      Radera
  14. Let it out... Let it all out... that might be all what you can do. We'll listen... and offer an ear (an eye) whatever we have that you can use... I understand that most times we can't offer you shit. But do know that even if we are feeling helpless... we are feeling helpless with you... and sometimes, that's all we can do. (((♥))

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you for your kind (and poetic) words, Magaly. It does offer some comfort knowing I have such understanding and caring on-line friends <3

      Radera
  15. I knew if I waited long enough, somebody else would come up with the words I wanted to say but couldn't think of myself. Thanks, Magaly. And chin up, Ms. Misantropia ... see, that's why I shouldn't comment on personal posts. Absolutely useless at it. ♥

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Well, at least you are aware that you are doing it ;)
      Kidding aside, I know you have your own demons and that when you say "Chin up" it's not the same as when other people may say it.

      Radera
  16. I also agree with Magaly, the best thing to do is to talk or write about how you feel. Dealing with a serious illness isn't easy but we are your friends and will support you no matter what you write about! We atheist feminists are in this together!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. It makes me feel better there are other atheist feminists out there - thanks <3 And yes, I probably should write more, get some release.

      Radera
  17. As an avid follower I know there is not much I can express that will offer you any help or peace of mind. If writing offers even a slight relief though please don't hold back because of concern for what your readers might think. The majority if not all, will be here to listen without judgement. Keeping you in my thoughts with the hope and well wishes that you will find what you need to help with everything you are dealing with.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you, Nadine, for those kind words. It makes me feel better knowing I have on-line friends like you, who are there when I need you. You are the sweetest <3

      Radera
  18. Words are troublesome things, and even though people want to console you with them, it doesn't mean that the words could, should or would do that. At least these comments show that people are not afraid of negative things and do care. And maybe after a week, or a month or another period of time the words can do even more, who knows? The comments your readers posted are wise and loving. I wish you well and goodness in your life.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. You are raising some interesting points about words, Jade. Thank you for your well wishes.

      Radera
    2. As you said in your post, sometimes words like "but you are so competent" just can't reach a person who is depressed. It is the same with the grieving process, Professor Z made a post about it a couple of months back, when she reflected how improper and inadequate some condolences felt when she was mourning her mothers passing.

      I just tried to write something that would not accidentally bring more guilt. Or at least I interpreted from your post that depression and the influence it has to the people around can start to create guilt inside the person who suffers from depression. I did not want my compassion to bring more negative things accidentally. :)

      Radera
    3. That is very considerate of you, Jade.
      It is actually the case that when I posted this I lost a follower - that brings some crappy feelings of rejection and "no-one wants to listen to you whine" :(

      Radera
    4. Well, I hope all these positive and supportive comments have shown that people do care. A lot. ^_^

      Radera
  19. Depression is a horrible beast that eats you from the inside out. I've been there; I'm still there. I know nothing anyone else says will make a change because, let's be honest, it's a disease and a nasty one at that. Keep pushing forward. Meditate. Get enough sleep. Keep eating nutritious foods. Stay away from junk food. Exercise everyday. I know you don't want to do any of these things right now, but trust me, they do help. They don't fix the problem, but they do give you a routine...a sense of purpose. You are worth it. Don't give up and keep writing about it.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you very much for your encouraging words, Lesley. Sometimes I forget to be honest on my blog, I get stuck in the "show" of it all. But sharing feels necessary and right once I remember.

      Radera
  20. I adore you from afar. You've personally made my life better. I'm so sorry you're suffering. Having loved ones in my life who struggle with depression (and thankfully they have meds that work most days), I know I can't simply tell you you're worth it.

    I also understand the feeling that when the actual event / day comes it feels somewhat uneventful. I think I work myself up and expect perfection.

    HUG HUG HUG HUG

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you, dearest Sharon! I feel the same about you and a few other blog friends I have - even thiugh we are thiusands if miles apart.
      I'm glad to hear people close to you are helped by their meds, and it gives me some hope as well.

      Radera
  21. Not being a psychologist, I cannot really diagnose or offer useful advice. But I can say that each day you get through is another victory. And you seem to have quite the winning streak!

    And this has always picked me up when I've felt gloomy:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

    SvaraRadera

Lately I have been falling behind answering comments, for many reasons. But I read and cherish all of them! Your comments make my day, yay!

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