2014-09-06

Drugs, disappoinment, mothers and booze



Some of you may remember that I started on new drugs a month ago.
By now the side effects have abated and I can somewhat accurately
assess the effects; Things are less heavy black, the world is not as much
the scary place I usually feel it is and I worry less, about everything.
 At the same time I seem to have lost most of my interest in cooking
and being creative, and my need for physical touch is all but gone.

Quite the trade off, huh?

I told my mother about the effects of the drugs and her response
made me feel like shit. My mother's need for me to be a healthy
and well adjusted person has caused me harm from time to time,
but yesterday she caught me off guard and really disappointed me.

So tonight I'm gonna put on my black lace dress and go out drinking
with my cousin. I'm gonna stuff my face and listen to live music,
and I'm gonna forget about toxic relationships for a while.


What are your weekend plans?





 





24 kommentarer:

  1. I'm really sorry that your relatives do not give you the understanding and support you deserve. I know that getting the right medication for psychiatric deseases is really hard and that in many cases also the doctors are struggling to help the patients. I keep my fingers crossed that you find something that helps you live a good life! *hug*

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you. For the longest time I didn't want to be on meds but I've reached a stage where I just really want some help.

      Radera
  2. Sorry things are hard. My mom has a love hate relationship with me. Sometimes the sun shines out my ass other times she says I'm horrible. I can't please her. It's helped a lot to have time away from her. I try not to visit so much, if I stay too long we start to argue. I know what it is like to struggle with toxic relationships. You just have to surround yourself with positivity and accept the fact that you can't please everyone. When I stopped caring about my mother's standards I felt a thousand times better, even my best friend noticed the difference. I hope your meds help improve things! :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I took a year off communicating with my parents the last time she said shit like this, but I really thought we had gotten closer and she had learned more acceptance by now. I guess "old dogs..."

      Radera
  3. I'm so sorry to hear that your Mom has put her needs over yours when she should be encouraging you to find a happy or at least tolerable balance that works for you. Finding the right medication for these sorts of things takes time, everyone's chemistry is different, and the trick is finding one that works but doesn't sap your desire to do the things you love.

    I don't know the relationship between you and your mother and I suppose you've tried to make her see reason until you were blue in the face. It sounds like she handles things about as well as my Grandma does. My Grandma, I love her so much, but there are days when I want to scream at her that it's not the 1950s. She kind of tried to mold me into a 1950s housewife who would have a career on top of that, just like her. She gets so frustrated when I try to vent or tell her anything that's not "normal or happy". Definitely one of those "don't hang your dirty laundry out for people to see" kind of people and sweep all the dirty under the rug. But the world isn't perfect and neither are people, I just hope your Mom will figure that out before she damages the relationship you have with her further.

    Your weekend plans sound wonderful! It also sounds like some much needed self care.
    Our plans are pretty simple and maybe a little boring in comparison. I'm listening to various music, looking through the library books I have neglected, and finishing up this week's homework.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Yes, it's exactly like that. I have tried to explain, reason, cry, shout about my state of mind for the better part of 20 years now. I just don't have it in me anymore. She will just never accept how I feel and how I see things.

      Radera
  4. Very sorry to hear about this. I know what are toxic relations like, specially with family. I suppose they are sure thing with very creative, sensitive or unusual people most of the times.
    People finds difficult to identify themselves with others, but if they are different in any sense, then it is virtually impossible.

    I have a generally loving family, but sometimes they can be quite impositive, as well as emotionally dependent. Besides, they try to make me live under their own standards, which is a lost battle, as I can be quite dyed-in-the-wool. On my own experience, and after many years fighting them, I found out the best thing I can do when they act funnny is just ignore that behavior. If things go really wild, I just spend one or two weeks with no contact. They won´t recognize their mistake, but at least I don´t get intoxicated by their attitude.

    I do hope you find your path through this situation. Therapy is as good as chemicals, and I am sure you are in the right track by meeting friends, leaving home, and having fun. Movies, books, walks, and friends are a positive support, I think.
    All my strength and love with you.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. My family is generally supportive too, but my mom wants to be the only sensitive person in our group and takes all my problems personally (and sometimes like a personal insult). Right now I have to take a time out from her, just like you say.

      Radera
  5. Very sorry to hear about the drugs flattening out your world & how your Mom's obsession with your health are being such buzzkills. Will you speak to your dr. about lessening the dosage? *sigh* Short of cutting her out of your life, there isn't a way to lessen your Mom. Going out with friends sounds like a lovely way to start, though.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I know *sigh*. After this long I know she will never change.

      On the 18th I have a doctor's appointment and will discuss my meds then. I hope she will hear me out and help as best she can. I have met many doctors by now...

      Radera
  6. Yowch that is a mighty nasty trade off. It's so unfair when we have to sacrifice so much just to feel ok. I am sorry your mother clearly doesn't understand how you feel, or how much of a struggle it is. I'm glad you had a night out, enjoy yourself, do what you want to!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Yes, it's no fun, and it's taking a toll on my relationship with Cinnamon man :( I hope I can figure my meds out at the next doctor's appointment (in 2 weeks).

      Radera
  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your hardships, it's seems like such a vicious circle...It's so unfair having to give up so much just to feel somewhat better! Perhaps consulting with your doctor and changing the dosage could help...but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. ^^

    Moms are hard nuts...Mine is overly loving and caring as well; Of course, she just wants the best for me or at least whatever she thinks is best for me - like yours does for you -, and she simply doesn't realize how overwhelming it actually is. Just take some time for yourself, vent and pamper yourself; have fun, I'm sure it helps! :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. You know, most of the time I would agree with you about my mother wanting what's best for me - but right now I mostly feel she wants what is best for her.

      Radera
  8. Oh God ... moms. I think mine finally gave up trying to change me when I hit my late forties. Right around the time the dementia/Alzheimer's started. Her not me ... thought I'd clarify that since I'm not sure it's obvious. ;)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. So I guess I have another 10+ years of my mother's craziness to sit through..? Great.

      Radera
  9. I am sorry to hear that the drugs aren't a complete success. And... welll... mums. Well... just everything that everyone else said above. It's all true for me, too! I guess I feel less alone in that now. I don't know why they keep trying to change us but sometimes I think that they have us to be their little clone and live the life they wish they had. And then they can't stand that we are utterly different. Sometimes you have to love them from afar because being with them is intensely maddening and doesn't help with the misery at all.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I know that that is certainly true for my mother. She told me once that she always dreamed of having a girl so that we could be best friends and share everything. WHat kind of dream world do they live in..?

      Radera
  10. It sucks that finding the right meds can be such a trial-and-error process. I went through four that made me feel worse before finding the one that improved my life a hundred fold. Hang in there.

    Sometimes you can't end a toxic relationship with a family member, but spending time with supportive friends and family can help dilute the toxin. I hope you had a great time in your black lace dress! :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. That is really good to hear, that you found something that works for you That gives me hope that I will find my way too, thank you.

      Radera
  11. A big Virtual Hug to you from the Arizona Desert and I'm glad my Post made you feel an OMG Moment during a particularly difficult time. Getting meds adjusted is always a pain in the arse... been thru that with Beloved Family Members that aren't healthy and struggle with the darkness. As a Mom and Gramma who has deeply grieved what they have had to endure when the Soul is Tortured you always Pray for a Healing Touch and a quality of Life that will bring a good outcome... but there is never a good excuse to be hurtful to those suffering any illness, compassion and unconditional Love must always prevail. I Hope your Inner Circle uplifts you when you are 'going thru' the most difficult of times... and I Pray the right balance of medical intervention stabilizes things for you... you are a Beautiful Soul and I have enjoyed your Presence here in the Land of Blog. You really need to Share you Rockin' it in your Black Lace Dress! *Winks* Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you for those sweet words. Having such lovely blog friends keep me going when the IRL people around me make me feel bad.

      Radera
  12. Ibland vill man bara höra att det är ok att vara sjuk inget "äh ryck upp dig" eller liknande. Jag tycker effekten av din nya medicin låter som den jag käkade. Jag kände mig ok, lite bekymmerslös men kreativiteten blev som bortblåst. Jag hoppas att den hjälper dig att komma vidare så att du sen kan trappa ner. Ta hand om dig <3

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Ja, för bara ett par veckor sedan i telefon sa hon att hon aldrig kommer acceptera att jag är sjuk :(

      Radera

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