2014-04-29

Looks like a path



I feel funny. I'm usually not the most stable person emotionally,
but at the moment I am really all over the place. The shifts in emotion
- longing, excitement, sadness, elation, fear, stress, anxiety, love -
are coming so quickly that I can barely tell one from another.

Cinnamon man is coming home in two weeks, can you believe it?
A couple of months ago they told us it could take up to a year,
so I tried to gather strength. I made a long list of projects to keep me busy.
Here's the thing: The worst part about my man leaving was knowing
that I would plummet right down into the darkest pit of depression.

Then the wonderfully unexpected happened and a narrow walkway
was suspended over the dark pit. The other side was quickly back in sight
and all I had to do was keep my balance as I traversed.
But I couldn't tell you what I have been up to these weeks, it's all a blur.
Many days I haven't been able to do much except sit in the sun
and listen to music. I am lonely still, but at the same time I am on overload.

When my man gets back, life together as we knew it will be over.
There will be no more trudging water or any need to brace for impact.
The obstacles that we have shaped our existence around are gone.
It is going to be a new kind of life, and love - one full of possibilities.
It makes me dizzy to think about.

It was a decade ago since I last felt like this - like anything is possible.
I stare into the future and suddenly I can envision something like a path.
My path. No walls, no storms, no grief, no obstacles - just a clear path
into the unknown. It's the strangest experience for a depressed person.

I guess it's called 'hope'.





 




36 kommentarer:

  1. The future is bright -- a wonderful place to be!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. "Bright" is not a word I use often. I might have to try it on for size :)

      Radera
  2. I have this incredible desire to reach out and give you a great, big hug! I'm thrilled for you. Absolutely, utterly thrilled. It's going to be awesome. I'm so happy for you, and I'm sending you so much love.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I wouldn't mind a hug right now, to take away some of this stress - even though it's good stress.

      Radera
  3. When you're so used to being in an emotional *crash position*, I can imagine how hard it must be to adjust to the sudden removal of all the stress. Even though everything is looking bright, it's hard for a person who feels deeply to just suddenly switch to a new emotional state of being. You're making me think of people who need to get their "sea legs" when they board a ship. You're going through the process of getting your "hope legs". ;)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. "Hope legs" - what a great term. It feels like I'm slowly growing them.

      Radera
  4. I loved this post Mrs. Misanthropia... I can udnerstand your state, believe me. I had an expericen similar to this one when I came to see my then Indian boy after 7 months of internet communciation.. I couldn't believ itw as happening and I had tears in my eyes when I saw lights of Delhi from the plane - it was a wonderful feeling, I have never had such before and after.
    I am also gald that you both make it possible, I am sure you will get all the happiness you deserve! Sending blessings and best wishes :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you for those encouraging words, Hindustanka!

      Radera
  5. Great news, in a long time. I am happy for you.

    SvaraRadera
  6. I know you must feel overwhelmed by all these changes and emotions right now, but I'm so glad to read these words from your...ehm...keyboard. Alright, it sounds weird...but seriously, I'm glad you feel so alive and hopeful and confident again. :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you, Lynoire. It's great to feel the support from people's... keyboards :)

      Radera
  7. Det låter ändå underbart, det du har att se fram emot. Jag hoppas att du kommer att må bättre snart <3
    Jag tycker att det är ganska skönt att ha ett mål att jobba mot, ändå lever jag ganska mycket i nuet. Ha en fin Valborg.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Mitt största problem är att jag aldrig lever i nuet, jag oroar mig alltid för allt som hänt och det som skulle kunna hända.

      Radera
  8. That is wonderful! I am so happy for you! May everything look up from now on!

    SvaraRadera
  9. Must be a great feeling to know that anything is possible. Enjoy the return of your man.
    And thank you for the comforting words for my sister.

    SvaraRadera
  10. I'm so, so happy for you two!

    SvaraRadera
  11. I think this means you can relax now! Know that life is what YOU are going to make it, and right now, you are making it possible that you and your love can be together once more. It is such a strange thing, realizing that there is no weird all-controlling force that is shaping our lives, it is only ourselves, and chance! Apologies if that sounded all over the place, I suppose I'm just trying to empower this hope springing in your soul, it belongs there!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I really hope you are right, that I'm moving towards better things. But hope is a very scary thing for me.

      Radera
  12. I know these feelings all too well and hate that you've been so depressed...but that feeling of hope is wonderful...hold on to it. Sunshine, music and love are all remedies for restoring your mental health my dear...you're doing it rght :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. When you put it like that it does sound wonderful :) i guess I'll just keep it up.

      Radera
  13. Two weeks will be over before you know it. You'll be able to take a deep breath and then let go of all that tension you've had to live with over the past few years.

    It's going to be a wonderful time. :-)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Letting go is very difficult for me but I hope I can once he's back.

      Radera
  14. It looks good from where I'm looking. But I see why it can be feel so overwhelming. One step at a time. No running. Just living day by day as they come and letting things be. Sometimes, responsibilities are really good.

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. One foot in front of the other, until I know where I'm going :)

      Radera
  15. I think it's called a reason to dance in the sun while listening to your music, & thinking upon the joy of being able, soon, to dance together :)

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I do miss dancing together, in the kitchen - thanks for reminding me!

      Radera
  16. Those two weeks will fly! So pleased for you. x

    SvaraRadera
  17. I'm extremely excited and thrilled for you! I know it all may seem overwhelming and dreamlike right now, but... it's happening! Long days and pleasant nights!

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. Thank you, those things sound really good :)

      Radera
  18. Yes...It is called hope.

    SvaraRadera

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