I feel funny. I'm usually not the most stable person emotionally,
but at the moment I am really all over the place. The shifts in emotion
- longing, excitement, sadness, elation, fear, stress, anxiety, love -
are coming so quickly that I can barely tell one from another.
Cinnamon man is coming home in two weeks, can you believe it?
A couple of months ago they told us it could take up to a year,
so I tried to gather strength. I made a long list of projects to keep me busy.
Here's the thing: The worst part about my man leaving was knowing
that I would plummet right down into the darkest pit of depression.
Then the wonderfully unexpected happened and a narrow walkway
was suspended over the dark pit. The other side was quickly back in sight
and all I had to do was keep my balance as I traversed.
But I couldn't tell you what I have been up to these weeks, it's all a blur.
Many days I haven't been able to do much except sit in the sun
and listen to music. I am lonely still, but at the same time I am on overload.
When my man gets back, life together as we knew it will be over.
There will be no more trudging water or any need to brace for impact.
The obstacles that we have shaped our existence around are gone.
It is going to be a new kind of life, and love - one full of possibilities.
It makes me dizzy to think about.
It was a decade ago since I last felt like this - like anything is possible.
I stare into the future and suddenly I can envision something like a path.
My path. No walls, no storms, no grief, no obstacles - just a clear path
into the unknown. It's the strangest experience for a depressed person.
I guess it's called 'hope'.